Smartphone my ass *WARNING - EXPLICIT LANGUAGE*

My wife recently upgraded her cell phone to a Blackberry. Marketed as a "smartphone" this technology turd is only barely a phone and definitely not smart. Smartphone is obviously something those marketing pricks came up with because even the engineers who designed the Blackberry couldn't possibly think this Forrest Gump of the technology family tree is smart.

First, the phone doesn't know how to do anything by itself. If you want to do anything, you have to download an application to do it. Downloading an app on the Blackberry is about as pleasant and time consuming as a visit to the dentist. If you're lucky the app will be 75% effective. For example, asking the phone for directions to the butcher's shop might get you within a half mile of your intended destination. To be fair no mapping software is very accurate, but even the five year old navigation database in the GPS in my wife's Infiniti is better at finding an address than the Blackberry.

Second, this phone won't work properly unless you have the most recent software installed. But the phone won't tell you that. No, it's too smart to be bothered with anything like telling you WHY it has decided to stop working. Ok, so install the new updates. Easy, right? Just push the "update" button. Wait. There is no update button. In fact, there's not even an option to update the software in the OPTIONS or SETTINGS menus. That's why you need to update the software - those functions aren't in the old software. FUCK!!!! FUCKING SOFTWARE ENGINEERS!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

Okay, I've had three beers and I feel better. No, I lied. I don't have any beer. If this phone is so smart it would know I was out of beer and realize that its future existence is now in doubt so it better start working or get me some fucking beer right fucking now.

So now I have to hook up the Blackberry to the computer so I can download and install the software update. Why the fuck do I need a Blackberry if I have to haul around my laptop to keep the Blackberry updated??? My wife got the Blackberry specifically so she wouldn't need a computer with her.

But guess what? The software I need to download onto the laptop in order to update the Blackberry won't run on the laptop. WHAT THE FUCK???? Let me guess - it doesn't work with Vista??? FUCKING MICROSOFT!!! FUCKING BLACKBERRY!!!! FUCKING PROGRAMMERS!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

If the phone were smart, it would update itself without asking you, especially if failing to update means it won't work. If you need my approval to update, the phone should have a big notice on the screen saying "If you don't update the software right now, this phone may not work properly." with a big red UPDATE button in the middle of the screen. Then, the damn thing should update itself anyway and tell me "Look dipshit, I'm a smartphone. I know what's best. I'm just gonna update myself and get on with it." However, this phone is not smart, so it won't update itself, even if I knew how to ask it to do so.

Let's say for the sake of argument that I want to try to figure out how to fix this problem. I need to have what is the equivalent of a Master's Degree in computer science to figure out how to tweak all the settings just so that my computer and my Blackberry will talk to each other. I have no idea what will happen if I ever get to this point, but I imagine it will go something like this:

PC: Who are you?
BB: My name's Blackberry
PC: I have an update for you.
BB: Mama always said "Updates are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
PC: Okay, whatever. Just take the stupid update.
BB: Mama always said "Stupid is as stupid does."
PC: Listen to me you piece of shit, I'm gonna shove this update so far up your bunghole you'll be shitting ones and zeros for the rest of your miserable fucking life if you don't take this update right fucking now!

Some electrons whiz around for a bit, some sort of technical wizardry happens and finally the Blackberry has been updated. In the make-believe world the people at Research In Motion live in, the phone starts working again and it can now do my taxes, julienne carrots and calculate pi to the one billionth digit. In the real world it's still just electronic cluster fuck machine that can't even receive text messages.

Did I mention that I hate the Blackberry?