So pure it will kill you.

So I'm drinking this bottle of water. Sam*s Choice(tm) Purified Drinking Water with Flavor Enhancing Minerals. My first thought is "what the hell are flavor enhancing minerals" and why did they purify it first if they were going to add shit to it? That's like flushing your toilet with distilled water. With a flick of my wrist I'm looking at the back label to find out what "flavor enhancing minerals" are. Must be some secret Walmart recipe because they don't tell you. What they do tell you is that they "enhanced the water by adding essential minerals for an even more satisfying and refreshing pure taste." Wait. What? They purified the water, THEN they added minerals to give it a pure taste. Did I get that right? Perhaps I'm not clear on what "pure" means. Maybe I just don't know what "pure" water tastes like, but I would think that it tastes like water AFTER you've purified it and before you've added shit to it. That's like Starbucks saying they've added cream to your coffee to give even more pure coffee flavor.

No, Walmart probably added shit to my water to cover up the taste of goat shit and burned tires because the water came from Mexico or China. If I drink too much of this "pure" water I will probably develop a prostate the size of a Volkswagen and get a tumor on my tongue. Great. Just fucking great.