Life sucks. Rinse and repeat.

I was always one of those people who scoffed at the idea of depression as an illness. Life sucks. Get over it. That was my motto. Then in 2006 I became clinically depressed. I figured it was just my inability to deal with life so I kept believing that I would get over it. When I did not get over it, my wife forced me to seek treatment. Several months, two prescriptions and several hundred dollars later I was no longer depressed, but I was emotionally numb and poorer.

The upside of this was that I was able to approach all of life's problems completely objectively. I was no longer reacting to my plight emotionally. The fact that I was in a financial tailspin, my wife hated me (or at least who I had become) and my career had imploded no longer effected me emotionally and they became problems that I could solve mathematically.

My financial situation was being made worse by soaring gas prices. In my emotional stupor, I deduced that the solution was to get a vehicle with the highest possible fuel economy and the lowest possible purchase price. I decided to get a motorcycle. Now, most men in their 40's or 50's get a motorcycle due to their mid-life crisis. I was having a mid-life crisis, but the motorcycle was a mathematical calculation, not a way to confront (or avoid) aging. The strange side effect of this was that somehow, in spite of my drug induced comfortable numbness, shopping for a motorcycle made me happy. I weaned myself off the anti-depressants and I was still happy. Somehow the thrill of just the idea of a motorcycle changed my brain and essentially cured my depression.

This all worked out pretty well for nearly three years. In spite of the fact that nothing else had changed in my life (at least not for the better) I was fairly happy. I got to ride regularly and I loved it. But over time, my perspective changed.

I've always been keen on risk management in my life. I didn't really know it until recently, but most of my decisions are made from a risk management perspective. I'm not a big risk taker so I do everything I can to minimize it. When the number and severity of motorcycle accidents near my home started to increase it really made me think. Was my decision to buy a motorcycle to save money really a good decision? The answer was most definately no. I won't bore you with the details, but the potential catastrophic loss costs of riding a motorcycle far outweigh any savings I might get in fuel costs over a lifetime. I just couldn't bring myself to make a bad decision anymore, so I stopped riding. That makes me depressed. The fact that I have to give up something I enjoy in order to protect myself and my family is dis-heartening and makes me question the purpose and usefullness of life. Why bother living if I can't enjoy it? I must live to protect and care for my family so they can enjoy life.

While contemplating this paradox I heard a voice in my head. "Life sucks. Get over it" it said. So I will. I will get over it. Without drugs. Without a motorcycle. I will find a way to get over it and fulfil my duty to my family. Maybe if I do this their lives won't suck so much.